17
Sep
10

Nerd Fight: Battle #23

It’s that time again. To reiterate, every Friday the Cupcake Rogues will randomly pick 2 characters to do battle – whether it be Marvel, DC, female, male, mutant, human, or human that pretends to be a mutant with magic (I’m looking at you, Juggernaut), they are all possible. Once we’ve randomly selected our two, they will go head to head in several categories with one being deemed winner. The winner will live on to fight another day, but a warning – with 200 possible characters, it may be awhile before round 2 🙂

Twenty-third week in the random selection:

Spiral vs. Callisto

Spiral Callisto
Origin Rita Wayword, aka “Ricochet Rita” was a professional stuntwoman who befriend Longshot when he first came to Earth. She met him and feel and love with him after being attacked by her evil, future self. When Longshot went back to Mojoverse, Rita followed. Mojo held her prisoner for years and forced his chief scientist, Arize, to perform extreme modifications to Rita, giving her 4 extra robotic arms and evolving her mind to the point where she could time travel and teleport. This also drove her insane. As a last kick while she was down, Mojo manipulated her into going back in time and attacking her former self, thus  jumpstarting the situation that led her to Mojoverse in the first place. Callisto began her run in X-Men as leader of the Morlocks – A group of quasi-terrorists whose deformed looks make them stand out amongst regular humans. Deciding she needed a mate, she kidnaps Angel and drags him down to her sewer home (there is no mention of Ninja Turtles whatsoever, sad). When the X-Men come to rescue their teammate, it’s actually a depowered Storm who challenges and defeats Callisto. Storm would decree that the Morlocks would no longer terrorize surface dwellers and that Callisto would rule in her place.
Edge? Spiral – Callisto got beat on her own home turf by a depowered mutant. Fail.
Powers/ Abilities Rita has multiple robotic arms, enhanced strength, teleportation, time travel and is skilled in sorcery. Spiral was also among the nine criminal geniuses that Beast seeks out when it comes to reversing the effects of Decimation. She is also immune to possession and has latent telepathic abilities. Callisto possesses enhanced senses (including night vision) and agility. She’s an excellent tactician and hand to hand combatant. After M Day she lost her powers but temporarily regined them through the use of the terrigan mists. Unfortunately her senses were enhanced to the point where normal sensation causes her pain. Later Masque, a former team-mate transformed her arms into prehensile tentacles.
Edge? Spiral – She’s single-handedly beaten the X-Men and the Avengers and an entire alternate reality. Read: Do not f* with.
Love Interest Longshot – everyone’s favorite mullet-wearing, artificially created humanoid who stars on TV! He’s kind of the reason she’s the insane villain she is today and for that, Longshot, we thank you. Believe it or not, Callisto actually had a consensual relationship with Colossus while he had amnesia after returning from the Siege Perilous.
Edge? Callisto – Hot, tall Russian beats mullet anytime.
Costume Spiral wears a light blue suit and BOOTS WITH THE FUUURRRRRR… as well as a weapon in each hand. Callisto dresses most like a tough biker chick with an eye patch, not someone you’d want to meet in a dark alley. Or a light alley for that matter.
Edge? Spiral – For the fur boots, obviously…
Most Entertaining Personality After Mojo’s torturous surgeries, Rita became blood thirsty and – say it with me – BAT SHIT CRAZY!!!  And who doesn’t love that, am I right? Callisto is an embittered broad, more likely to cut you than talk things out.
Edge? Spiral – Bat shit crazy always wins. Period.
Best story arch Spiral conquered an alternate timeline, referring to herself as “The Apocalypse” (not to be confused with the original A-Poc. In this timeline she killed most of that Earth’s superheroes – leaving only Cable and some of his X-Force and New Mutant allies. She kidnapped Sunspot and tortured him by making him do her until his rescue. With the help of Shatterstar, she was eventually defeated and poor Sunspot gave his willy a rest. Callisto is captured by former teammate Masque who tortures her by restoring her beauty one moment and making her ugly the next. Callisto is eventually freed by the X-Men and while still beautiful becomes a fashion model and starts a relationship with the amnesiac Colossus. Eventually the Morlocks, still under Masque’s control re-capture and beat Callisto badly. The Morlocks Healer restores Callisto’s health, but also her former deformed looks. Callisto goes on a revenge mission against the Morlocks, recruiting Colossus’s older brother Mikhail to flood the Morlocks tunnel home.
Edge? Spiral – she conquers an entire timeline… what have you done today?
Hotness Since she’s up against Callison, it doesn’t matter, she wins. Not to mention she could manage a circle jerk all by herself. At one point Callisto was supposed to be quite beautiful, but she typically looks like a butch lezzie with an eye patch and tentacle arms.
Edge? Spiral – we said circle jerk, right?
Fiercest foe Mojo – he made her the freak she is today brainwashed her into doing his deeds for years. Masque captured and tortured Callisto by systematically restoring and taking away Callisto’s good looks. She would later transform Callisto again, giving her prehensile tentacle arms.
Edge? DRAW – captures and tortured? Sounds familiar.
Biggest WTF Moment She nannied… for the X-Babies *hangs head in shame* We grew up with the 90’s X-Men cartoon version of Callisto so the idea of her as a top fashion model blows our mind.
Edge? Spiral – the X-Babies were a WTF all in themselves, let alone having to watch over those brats.
Person who should attempt an on-screen portrayal Depending on the timeline and age portrayed, Ali Larter or Uma Thurman/Darryl Hannah play convincing evil wenches. She’s looney enough to get Lady Gaga, but I’m not sure that crazy broad can act. Callisto was portrayed by Dania Ramirez in X3. However, she was basically a female Calliban and in no way ugly so we’re not counting her.

Samantha Ronson certainly has the look of Callisto, but she’s not an actress, so lets go with Michelle Rodriguez – Because if ever there was a chick who looked like she’d cut you as soon as look at you, it’s Michelle Rodriguez.

Edge? Callisto – Michelle Rodriguez scares us.

Spiral: 8

Callisto:  3

And the winner is…. Spiral! If you want to win most, raise your hand…. Awww, sorry Callisto.

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