30
Jul
10

Nerd Fight: Battle #16

It’s that time again. To reiterate, every Friday the Cupcake Rogues will randomly pick 2 characters to do battle – whether it be Marvel, DC, female, male, mutant, human, or human that pretends to be a mutant with magic (I’m looking at you, Juggernaut), they are all possible. Once we’ve randomly selected our two, they will go head to head in several categories with one being deemed winner. The winner will live on to fight another day, but a warning – with 200 possible characters, it may be awhile before round 2 🙂

Sixteenth week in the random selection:

Spider-Woman vs Scarlet Witch

Spider-Woman Scarlet Witch
Origin Jessica Drew has two origins, while both involve living near Mount Wundagore, the first has Jessica being accidentally poisoned and subsequently saved by receiving a shot of spider based serum. Her second origin has her mother getting hit in the stomach with a laser that combined the DNA of several different species of spider. Depending on the origin, Jessica’s parents are either killed or mysteriously disappear. Jessica is raised by the nanny of all nannies, Bova!  She would later be recruited as a HYDRA agent where she was rather brutally trained by Taskmaster in many forms of combat. When Magda, Magneto’s former wife, is pregnant with Wanda aka Scarlet Witch and Pietro aka Quicksilver, she takes sanctuary at Mount Wundagore in Transia. When the twins are born, Elder God Chthon’s residual energies alter Wanda and will later give her magical powers in addition to her mutation. After Magda leaves the children and dies, Bova looks after them. Later, they are placed in the care of gypsies Django and Marya Maximoff who raise the twins as their own. When a mob attacks them later on, Wanda uses her powers to protect herself and accidently causes a fire that kills their adoptive mother. They eventually become members of the Brotherhood, unknowing that Magneto is indeed their father.
Edge? Scarlet Witch – They both get points for Bova, but come on, Spider-Woman, pick a story and stick with it!
Powers/ Abilities Spider-Woman possessed enhanced strength, speed, durability, flexibility, etc. She can generate a Bioelectric energy which produces a venom blast capable of incapacitating or killing another. Jessica also produces a sticky substance from her hands and feet which allow her to adhere to most any surface. Lastly, her body gives off a pheromone which is extremely attractive to men yet repugnant to women. Jessica usually wears a chemical “perfume” to keep the pheromones under control. Reality warping. This power was formerly limited to creating “hex spheres” of reality-disrupting quasi-psionic force to cause molecular disturbances in a target’s probability field (say that 3 times fast), resulting in spontaneous combustion, etc. Later this reality warping became much grander. She can create armies from no where and change people’s very existence.
Edge? Scarlet Witch – May we remind you of House of M?
Love Interest Jerry Hunt was a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent who had a thing for Jessica. That’s pretty much it. Scarlet Witch’s main love interest is the Vision – although it’s not exactly a drama-free relationship. Quicksilver cannot accept that his sister loves a robot, Hawkeye is pissed because he loves Wanda himself, and they eventually have twin boys Thomas and William that aren’t actually real and are created by Scarlet Witch’s hex powers.  Their twins are later revealed to be fragments of the Mephisto’s soul, who had been broken apart by Franklin Richards. The twins are absorbed ack into Mephisto, which drives Wanda temporarily insane and her and the Vision separate. After they reconcile, Wanda tries to recreate the twins, which causes catastrophic events that lead to Vision being ripped to shreds by an enraged She-Hulk.
Edge? Scarlet Witch – Even all that drama is better than nothing at all.
Costume Spider-Woman’s costume is a red body suit with yellow and black accents. Her mask is similar to Spiderman’s, but the lower half of her face is visible. She also has nifty webbing underneath her arms. Red lingerie, a red cape, pink tights and a weird looking hat. Think of little red riding hood crossed with a Playboy Bunny.
Edge? Spider-Woman – we like a unique costume that’s not just lingerie like everyone else’s.
Least off-putting personality Spider-Woman doesn’t seem to have many off-putting characteristics, but even if she was a puppy killer, she’s beating Wanda. Bitch is bat-shit crazy!
Edge? Spider-Woman – boring is definitely less off-putting than insane.
Best story arch Secret Invasion – Jessica is minus her powers at this point. A HYDRA agent offers her a way to get her powers back if she’ll join S.H.I.E.L.D. as a double agent. Jessica agrees but goes to Nick Fury instead and becomes his agent. Her mission is to feed HYDRA false information. Unfortunately Jessica is ambushed and replaced by Veranke the Skrull Queen herself. Veranke poses as Spider-Woman as one of the Avengers as well as Fury’s spy. In the aftermath of Secret Invasion Jessica and many others are found on a ship in space and brought back home. House of M – Scarlet Witch essentially lost her marbles. Her fellow heroes were trying to decide what to do with her since insane and a power that could destroy everyone’s existence doesn’t go well together. She hears that they may try to kill her and changes reality to one where everyone has what they want. Wolverine senses that this isn’t real, and with the help of Layla Miller, they remind all of the other heroes that this world, in fact, isn’t real.  They ban together to stop Scarlet Witch and once they inform Magneto on what happened, he unleashes his wrath on everyone – especially Quicksilver. Scarlet Witch appears, heals her brothers and states that mutants are freaks, lashing out at Magneto. With this, she whispers “no more mutants” and just like that there’s a blinding flash and the millions of mutants before are wittled down to hundreds.
Edge? Scarlet Witch – anyone who causes the downfall of mutant-hood deserves a point for story arch, right?
Hotness Jessica has green eyes and natural auburn hair, which for some reason she chooses to dye jet black. Add the fact that she releases a pleasure inducing pheromone and men don’t stand a chance. Scarlet is a hot chick. As long as you don’t mind your gal being a complete loon that could alter your reality every time you leave the seat up, you’ll be fine.
Edge? Spider-Woman – Sure, she’s cheating, but sometimes cheaters DO win.
Fiercest foe Morgan Le Fay – Spider-Woman and Morgan seem to meet in battle many times, but Morgan gains the upperhand during one of their encounters causing Jessica’s spirit to be stuck on the astral plane while her physical form was killed. Dr. Strange and the Avengers would eventually travel to the astral plane and revive Jessica though she would lose some of her powers. Wanda’s own mental health. She creates these things in her life that aren’t real, and then when they fall apart she goes nuts. She singlehandedly put mutants on the endangered species list cuz she had some bad PMS. This chick is on a whole new level.
Edge? Scarlet Witch – nothing like battling your own mind to drive a person to the edge.
Biggest WTF Moment In Earth 1610 – Spider-Woman is actually a genetic clone of Spiderman whose chromosomes were manipulated to turn her into a woman. She even retained Peter Parker’s memories. In Marvel “Ultimates,” the Scarlet Witch and her brother Quicksilver share an incestuous relationship. Umm, yuck.
Edge? Scarlet Witch – yeah, incest always wins this category.
Person who should attempt an on-screen portrayal The first person I thought of when I found out men love Spider-Woman and women hate her was Megan Fox. Any objections? Eva Green has the right look and acting chops to pull off Scarlet Witch – I just hope the girl isn’t afraid to show her crazy side!
Edge? Scarlet Witch – Look, we think Megan Fox is as hot as the next person, but the trick can’t act!

Spider-Woman:  3

Scarlet Witch:  7

And the winner is…. Scarlet Witch. Either that or she changed our reality to one where she won. I guess we’ll never know.

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