28
May
10

Nerd Fight – Battle #7

It’s that time again. To reiterate, every Friday the Cupcake Rogues will randomly pick 2 characters to do battle – whether it be Marvel, DC, female, male, mutant, human, or human that pretends to be a mutant with magic (I’m looking at you, Juggernaut), they are all possible. Once we’ve randomly selected our two, they will go head to head in several categories with one being deemed winner. The winner will live on to fight another day, but a warning – with 200 possible characters, it may be awhile before round 2 🙂

Seventh week in the random selection:

Colossus vs Black Canary

Colossus Black Canary
Origin Piotr Nikolaievitch Rasputin (say that three times fast… or… once) was born on a Soviet collective farm in Siberia. His superpowers manifested when he saved his sister, Illyana (who will later become Magik), from a runaway tractor. Later on, Professor X recruited him for a new X-men team to go out and save the original X-men, who had been captured. There are 2 Black Canaries – mother and daughter. Mother, Dinah Drake Lance, was turned down from being a police officer because she was a woman, so she decided to fight crime on her own terms. Daughter, Dinah Laurel Lance, who is the current Black Canary, grew up always wanting to be a hero even though her mother forbade it. She decided to be a hero anyway.
Edge? Black Canary – Both origins are kind of lame – but we’ll give it to Black Canary for being a little different than most by growing up with a superhero mom.
Powers Colossus has the ability to transform his body into organic steel – granting him superhuman strength, stamina, and durability. The Black Canary has the “Canary Cry” – an ultrasonic scream. She’s also a skilled martial artist and Motorcycle rider (read: badass).
Edge? Colossus – although Black Canary has the edge on hitting foes from far, Colossus can turn into steel and won’t be stopped by a case of strep.
Love interest Mainly the annoying Kitty Pryde, even though she was jailbait when they started dating and he ended up cheating on her with an alien. The Green Arrow – Although they did not get off to the best start and she found out that he fathered two illegitimate children AND she caught him kissing her florist assistant, they reconciled (after he dies and is resurrected) and married. And then, of course, divorced.
Edge? Black Canary – seriously, how is Kitty Pryde popular? At least Green Arrow changed his ways. Kitty’s still annoying.
Costume Not a whole lot to write home about – the guy wears Speedos and a short-sleeved turtle-neck, essentially, with matching knee-high boots – work it, girl! What looks like a turtleneck bathing suit over fishnet stockings – raawwwwrrrr!!!!
Edge? Black Canary – Colossus dresses like Jane Fonda.
Most off-putting personality Could it be him fathering a kid in a threesome in the Savage Land that he was too thick-headed to realize was his or that he cheated on Kitty with an alien or maybe that he beat Kitty’s new boyfriend, Pete Wisdom, so badly he was confined to a wheelchair for no good reason? I thought Colossus was supposed to be the nice one? She’s feisty and impulsive, especially when it comes to crime and Green Arrow – but a girl’s gotta keep her man on his toes, right?
Edge? Colossus – jealous is an ugly color, Piotr!
Best story arch Beast finds a cure for the Legacy Virus, but it could not be activated without emulating the manner in which the plague had first been discharged: through the death of an infected mutant. Because the Legacy Virus claimed the life of Piotr’s sister, Illyana, Piotr decides to inject himself, thus producing the cure and killing himself in the process. Of course, this is comics, so you know he wasn’t dead for long… The Green Arrow/Black Canary wedding covered a number of events, including an attempted attack on the wedding by none other than Deadpool’s older, not-as-cool DC version, Deathstroke. While it seems that the attack failed, when Black Canary and Green Arrow are on their honeymoon, Green Lantern suddenly lashes out, attacking Black Canary. She kills him in self-defense only to later find out that it was really Everyman, and shape-shifter, and her marriage never really happened.
Edge? Colossus – becoming a martyr at least gets you a win in this category.
Hotness Piotr is a tall glass of Russian vodka, that’s for sure. At 6’6”, 250 lbs (7’5” and 500 lbs when transformed), Colossus could make any girl feel safe. A blonde in skin-tight clothing and fish net stockings… most guys pay for that kind of thing!
Edge? Colossus – While Black Canary is super hot, and big man that turns to steel is something a girl can’t pass up, right?
Fiercest foe Dr. Doom – he was the one who kidnapped Illyana and killed Colossus in Secret Wars. (Colossus was later resurrected by the hussy he was cheating on Kitty with, who gave her life to save his – nice choice in mistresses, Piotr). Even with the Injustice League, the League of Assassins, and too many other random bad guys to count on my fingers and toes, the Black Canary’s fiercest foe is actually her own husband. She’s fought him on numerous occasions, some when he’s under the influence of others and some where he is not.
Edge? Black Canary – it’s just wrong for a girl in that outfit to have so many people trying to kill her rather than buy her a cocktail. And to have you husband as your fiercest foe? Ouch.
Biggest WTF moment Weary of seemingly endless battles, the X-Men entered the Siege Perilous, a mystic gateway that judged all who entered it and sent them to new lives. Colossus emerged virtually amnesiac, establishing a new identity as Peter Nicholas, a building superintendent who became a renowned artist. When the Shadow King took psychic control of Peter Nicholas to attempt an assassination on Professor X, Xavier erased the Peter Nicholas identity in order to save himself and drive out the Shadow King’s hold on Piotr. Oh, and he has feelings for Callisto. WTF? Black Canary moves to Seattle with the Green Arrow after the breakup of the Justice League and opens up a flower shop called “Sherwood Florist” – a play on the name “Sherwood Forest” as Green Arrow looks just like Robin Hood. That’s a real knee-slapper, DC.

…or maybe when her husband, under control of the Nekron, tells Dinah that he’s been in love with Shado since she raped him, producing his first illegitimate kid. Eeeek.

Edge? Colossus – just… so random….
Person who should attempt an on-screen portrayal Daniel Cudmore played Colossus in X2 and X-Men 3: The Last Stink-fest. I thought he did a good job. Granted he had about 5 lines between both movies, but I’ve got no beef with him… other than NEEDING A RUSSIAN ACCENT. Now go sit in the corner with Scarlett Johansson. A few people have played versions of the Black Canary, including Lori Loughlin (yes, from Full House),  Rachel Skarsten, and Aliana Huffman.
Edge? DRAW – there’s a whole lot of “umm, who’s that?” in this category.

Colossus: 6

Black Canary: 5

And the winner is…. Colossus in a tight race! Must’ve been all that fornicating that gave him the edge – dirty scamp.

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