07
May
10

Nerd Fight – Battle #4

It’s that time again. To reiterate, every Friday the Cupcake Rogues will randomly pick 2 characters to do battle – whether it be Marvel, DC, female, male, mutant, human, or human that pretends to be a mutant with magic (I’m looking at you, Juggernaut), they are all possible. Once we’ve randomly selected our two, they will go head to head in several categories with one being deemed winner. The winner will live on to fight another day, but a warning – with 200 possible characters, it may be awhile before round 2 🙂

Fourth week in the random selection:

The Black Queen (Selene Gallio version) vs Jonah Hex

Black Queen (Selene Gallio version) Jonah Hex
Origin Selene was born 17,000 years ago. She is a “psychic vampire,” able to drain the lives of others to extend her own. Early on her tribe’s elders recognized this and commanded the entire tribe, including her own mother, to sacrifice their lives to feed her. Jonah is raised by his abusive, alcoholic  father for the first 12-13 years of his life before his daddy traded him to an Indian tribe for a vintage Boba Fett action figure in mint condition.  Not really. He was traded for pelts or safe passage across Indian territory. Should’ve stuck with the Boba Fett figure, it would’ve appreciated in value!
Edge? Black Queen – Lets not kid ourselves. Jonah has one of the lamest origins we’ve ever heard of.
Powers Selene is a mutant, a sorceress, and a psychic vampire. She can suck out someone’s life force completely, or she can partly take their life force and thus keep them under her will from then on. She enhances her physical strength, speed, stamina, and agility to superhuman levels by absorbing others’ life.  She is immune to conventional forms of killing, telepathic, a limited shape shifter, and telekinetic with flame manipulation and knowledge of magic. In other words, do not f* with. No powers, but Hex was trained by Apache Indians in the arts of tracking, hunting, combat and survival skills. While in the Confederate army he was trained in the use of firearms. He also gained a working knowledge of futuristic automotives and weaponry through his time traveling adventures. Lastly, Jonah is ambidextrous. Whee!
Edge? Black Queen – All the survival skills in the world aren’t gonna help Jonah
Love interest Over 17,000 years, the only person she’s managed to love is herself. Married many times over, one man who was madly in love with her, Eli Bard, did her biddings, confessed his love for her, and she immediately killed him. All of this while she was also making eyes at another guy on her team, Wither. Hussy. While living with the Apache, he fell in love with White Fawn. Unfortunately his best friend fell in love with her too. Since Hex’s entire life is a sob story, you have two guesses as to who White Fawn ends up with.
Edge? Black Queen – Some women laugh at you when you confess your love, this b**** just up and kills you.
Costume Black leather lingerie and a cape. Eat your heart out. Old Civil War gear (and probably a rawhide thong, that saucy boy)
Edge? Black Queen – Do we really need to explain why?
Most exciting death Selene’s death story ALMOST made it to her biggest WTF moment. Once Selene actually becomes a goddess, what she’s always wanted, by consuming enough souls, she begins to turn blue and grow in size. Warpath then kills Selene by striking her in the chest with a dagger AND teaching the X-Force the “Ghost Dance” – a ritual meant to kill evil spirits. So imagine all of the X-force doing the hustle while Selene explodes into rays of light and dies. Jonah’s death also deserves to be his WTF moment. While cleaning his gun (get your mind out of the gutter, he really was cleaning his gun) Hex was shot by an old enemy. His body wound up in the hands of a traveling showman who not only stuffed his body, but dressed him in a fancy white ensemble and displayed him as an old time gunfighter. Hows that for undignified?
Edge? This is a draw in my book, how do you choose between Logan busting a move or a deformed old guy wearing an old Elvis  jumpsuit? Answer…You don’t.
Best story arch Selene was the deciding vote to kick Sebastian Shaw out of the Hellfire Club. After years of wanting to rule the club, she then decided she had no use for it. She gathered an army of mutants called the Upstarts and had them engage in a killing spree resulting in the presumed deaths of Magneto, Sebastian Shaw, Donald Pierce, and the Reavers, mortal injuries to Emma Frost, and the deaths of the Hellions. Does it even matter at this point?
Edge? Black Queen – Shocker
Hotness If you like the dark, dangerous, will cut your throat if you cross her type, prepare to be blown away. She’s the ultimate bad girl. If you like curmudgeonly old guys with facial deformities, this is your man!
Edge? Black Queen – Somewhere out there, Mickey Rourke is shaking a fist at us.
Fiercest foe She’s vowed vengeance on and had vengeance vowed on her so many times I don’t know where to start. One long-standing back and forth she’s had is with Rachel Summers. They’ve tried to kill each other on multiple occasions, neither one of them ever succeeding. Noh-Tante, Jonah’s Apache “brother”. They fought savagely  over that which vexes all men. Apparently the phrase, bros before hoes wasn’t invented yet.
Edge? Black Queen – The Cupcake Rogues tend to think family squabbles are the bitterest of pills. But in Selene’s case we’ll make an exception.
Biggest WTF moment Many years ago, Selene was worshipped as a Goddess in Nova Roma. Years later we find out that Nova Roman was, in actuality, her creation. She arranged for hundreds of people to be kidnapped and taken to the Amazon where a replica of Nova Roma was constructed. She brainwashed the residents to believe they were ancient Roman residents… all so she could relive happier days. Later writers “undid” this story – probably realizing how ridiculous it was. This guys whole life is a WTF moment. From the prostitute mother, to the trading of his freedom for some mangy animal hides, to the disfigurement to his random death. This guy can’t catch a break. Even after he’s dead!
Edge? Hex – The poor bastard has to win one category!
Person who should attempt an on-screen portrayal Selene screams Angelina Jolie – she could even break out the old vile of blood for a nice added touch.  I could also see a Kate Beckinsale circa Underworld here (a fun fact – that character was actually named Selene for the Black Queen). Anyone that can play a grade-A, kick ass, heartless villainess. Hollywood has gone with Josh Brolin, but Clint Eastwood could’ve played Jonah Hex in his sleep.
Edge? Black Queen – At this stage of the game Eastwood  is probably more interested in Shuffleboard  and  a nice caramel square.

The Black Queen: 9

Jonah Hex: 2

And the winner is….  The Black Queen by a landslide…. You don’t mess with a chick that’s been around for 17,000 years, people. Maybe Hollywood should do a movie on her instead of old, crotchety Jonah.

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