Justice League by Caio Cacau.
Archive for the 'Comics' Category
This week’s obscure comic book character is Tawky Tawny, from DC comics, a member of the Captain Marvel family. The modern day Tawky Tawny was originally a stuffed doll given by Lord Satanus and then by Ibis the Invincible. When the laws of magic changed, Tawky became real. In the original version of Tawky, he was a real jungle cat at first, but then he stood accused of killing a man, so he was given a serum to allow him to talk and walk upright to plead his case. I don’t know which one is worse. Oh, and what are his powers? He’s a f*&@ing tiger. A tiger that will apparently hump your leg to get a dry martini around here…
It’s that time again. To reiterate, every Friday the Cupcake Rogues will randomly pick 2 characters to do battle – whether it be Marvel, DC, female, male, mutant, human, or human that pretends to be a mutant with magic (I’m looking at you, Juggernaut), they are all possible. Once we’ve randomly selected our two, they will go head to head in several categories with one being deemed winner. The winner will live on to fight another day, but a warning – with 200 possible characters, it may be awhile before round 2
Thirty-third week in the random selection:
Deathbird vs. Juggernaut
|Origin||Cal’syee Neramani is the oldest of the four Neramani children and first in line to the Shi’ar throne. Due to a prophecy that said she would commit great evil, she was denied her place in the succession. In an effort to prove what a great ruler she would be, she decided to murder her mother and sister. This didn’t go over well with the rest of the Shi’ar and Cal’syee was subsequently banished. Fleeing to Earth (Where else?) She took the name Deathbird and became a frequent nemesis to Ms. Marvel.||Cain Marko first met Charles Xavier when his father married Charles’ mother. They were enemies from the start. Later on, Marko found a hidden temple dedicated to the entity Cyttorak while stationed in Korea when he was serving in the Army with his stepbrother Xavier. Marko finds a ruby in the temple and reads the scripture aloud to become a human Juggernaut.|
|Edge?||Deathbird – Change Cyttorak to Olmec and you’ve got Legends of the Hidden Temple!|
|Powers/ Abilities||Deathbird has all the traits common to the Shi’ar including enhanced strength, feathers and hollow bones. But being a “genetic throwback” she also possesses characteristics of her more bestial ancestors such as extra feathers that allow her to fly under her own power and razor-sharp talons. She has stated that her strength is on par with Gladiator.||Cain Marko turns into the Juggernaut with the gem of the mystical entity Cyttorak’s magical powers. As the Juggernaut, Marko has superhuman strength capable of shattering mountains and lifting buildings and a magical force field that provides invulnerability to it’s maximum. Even when the force field was temporarily absorbed by Thor’s Hammer, the Juggernaut withstood blows from Thor due to his extreme durability. He is unstoppable once in motion and does not tire or need food, water or oxygen to survive. I know what you’re thinking… “So, Cupcake Rogues, how do you kill this ridiculous mother scruncher?” Well, settle down, kids. The Juggernaut is vulnerable to mental attacks when his helmet is removed. “Silly b*tch, you cannot harm me!”|
|Edge?||Deathbird – Although Juggy is unstoppable, Gladiator tossed him like a rag doll…. Therefore Deathbird should be able to do the same.|
|Love Interest||Deathbird has had two – The first being Bishop. They met while the Phalanx was invading Earth. Deathbird was impressed that he wasn’t afraid of her crazy ass. Things went sour during the maximum security event. Fighting on opposing sides, Deathbird dared Bishop to kill her but before he could answer she opened an airlock and was sucked into space.
Deathbird would later meet Vulcan during a Shi’ar prison break. They would marry in front of the M’Kraan Crystal and decided to celebrate by killing Charles Xavier and D’Ken.
|There’s a universe when Marko has a crush on Rogue, as they live in the same trailer park. There’s also the fact that he’s had a one night stand with She-Hulk that she refuses to admit (what? You want a picture? OK – below). That’s about the extent of Juggy’s love life, but he does have some killer pick up lines. “I like ya raincoat, b*tch.”|
|Edge?||Draw – how do you compare Jherri-curl to love in a trailer park? The answer, you don’t.|
|Costume||Feathers. Lots and lots of pink and purple feathers! There’s usually a matching bodysuit on there somewhere.||Red metal plated tank top and pants with a carved out salad bowl for a helmet and pretty metal bracelets. Of course we wouldn’t say any of this to his face, but still… “Ooo, my suit’s so tight!” “I’m bad! I’m the baddest mutha f*cka in the world. Have you ever seen a costume like mine?”|
|Edge?||Juggernaut – Yes, it’s ridiculous, but it’s recognizable. Plus, can you imagine how Deathbird looks during molting season?|
|Most Entertaining Personality||Insanity clearly runs in the Neramani blood-line. Deathbird seems like a chick who will kill yo ass for pie.||Umm, have you seen the “I’m the Juggernaut, b*tch!” YouTube video?|
|Edge?||Juggernaut – “I’m the Juggernaut, b*tch” – Watch the video now!|
|Best story arch||Some time after her sister Lilandra inherited the title of Majestrix of the Shi’ar empire, Deathbird decided she wanted the throne after all and allied herself with Lord Samedar and the Brood. The X-Men beat her allies, but Deathbird was able to supplant Lilandra. Later she was deposed herself by War Skrulls and she joined with the X-Men to defeat them. After all she went through to get the throne, she decided she was over it and left the Majestrix title once again, to Lilandra.||Black Tom Cassidy creates a ruse to align the Juggernaut with the X-Men to destroy the team from within. Black Tom then openly betrays the Juggernaut, so he decides to remain with the X-Men and truly try to change his ways. He befriends a young mutant, Sammy Paré, who helps Marko reform. However, when Paré finds out that Black Tom is preparing to attack the X-Men, he is killed. The Juggernaut attacks Black Tom to get vengeance, and the battle strands all participants in the alternate dimension of Mojoverse. Once he reappears, he decides that he cannot be reformed and remains a villain. “Comb yo’ beard, I don’t wanna hear that sh*t!”|
|Edge?||Juggernaut – We like when baddies try to reform. We like it even more when they realize good is dumb.|
|Hotness||Deathbird looks pretty much like you think she will, a crazy-eyed chick with an overabundance of feathers – and a sweet rack.||If you like them as big as a house and meaner than a junkyard dog, Cain Marko’s your man.|
|Edge?||Deathbird – Boobs always triumph – Always.|
|Fiercest foe||Lilandra – These two really just need to fight it out in a pit full of jello already.||Charles Xavier, Cain’s stepbrother. When Charles joined the family, Marko felt that he became the favorite and has never gotten over it. “CHA-LES, NOOO! I’m trippin’ off acid!”|
|Edge?||Juggernaut – You do NOT want the greatest telepath in the world as your brother – or your fiercest foe.|
|Biggest WTF Moment||She ditched a man with the sweetest Jheri-curl ever for a Summers brother.||When Juggernaut runs into Dazzler, he decides he doesn’t want to fight her because he’s such a huge fan of her music. FAIL. “|
|Edge?||Juggernaut – The only thing worse than a Dazzler groupie is a Summers groupie.|
|Person who should attempt an on-screen portrayal||How about Marcia Cross? She looks like she could flip out on you at any minute.||Vinnie Jones played the Juggernaut in “the X-Men movie we do not speak of.” For some reason he was British and not related to Xavier, but at least he said one thing right. “I’M THE JUGGERNAUT, B*TCH!”|
|Edge?||Juggernaut – Yes, Marcia could play Deathbird. But does anyone really want to see it? Yeah, we thought not.|
And the winner is…. I’M THE JUGGERNAUT, B*TCH!!!!!!
And, the ever-awesome Juggernaut parody. Be warned of profanity, vulgarity, and overall awesomeness.